I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
