Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
