True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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