Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
