I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
