very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
