sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
