So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
