And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
