My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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