porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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