Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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