So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
