I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
