this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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