If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
