I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Girls should come with a carfax report
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
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