I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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