youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize