he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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