Umm I'm too high to move.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
