Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize