oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
