Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
