I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
