shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
In America we eat man semen.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
