god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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