listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Randomize
