The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
