To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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