and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
