Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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