eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
