I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She's the barista slut.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize