U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
