so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
