the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
