if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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