worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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