Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
