I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
