yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
