I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
