I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
