My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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