I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
