I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
