He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He did a backflip because drugs
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
