So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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