now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
