I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
