A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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