You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
