awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
