i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
