But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He's on the porch naked. Help.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
