totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
