I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
