you guys were way drunker than both of me
Someone shit on the floor
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
