Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
