Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
