But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
