I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
