Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
