Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
