So drunk its hurt
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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